Chasing the Mirage of an Ideal Existence

Beep.. Beep.. Beep.. The steady rhythmic machine resonates through the operation room, the stoic and measured cadence reassuring me that the ten hour surgery was a huge success. The sterile scent of antiseptic hangs heavy in the air, mingling with the palpable sense of relief that fills the room as the surgical team cries with joys of euphoria. In the moment of uncharacteristic fatigue, I forcefully place the scalpels back into the metallic tray, the silent sentinels awaiting their next call to save another life. With deliberate focus, I begin the war of fighting the plastic gloves that have melted into my skin as a result of sweat and determination, each snap a conclusion that the surgery was over. The weight of today’s challenge finally catches up to me as my legs go numb with pins and needles, causing me to collapse onto the floor covered in blood and bodily fluids. My adrenaline that had been long sustained through the marathon procedure begins to ebb, leaving me feeling hollow and well spent; fingers shaking violently with tremors after careful precision of performing the HIPEC surgery, beads of sweat evoking permanent stains on my scrubs. 

I exited the operation room, the gleaming halls of the hospital were bathed in a sea of applause, a thunderous ovation that reverberated throughout the building. Staff members lined the corridors, faces alight with admiration as a paragon of success gleamed in their eyes, hands reaching for me in a symphony of appreciation. My heart swelled with a mixture of humility and pride, in that moment all worries left my body, embracing me in a wave of determination and a renewed sense of purpose. But none of what I felt would soon come close to reality – the one that shattered my entire being.

As I made my way back to my office, every corridor I traversed earlier seemed to stretch on endlessly. In a rush, a wave of drowsiness crept over me, gently coaxing me towards rest. Suddenly, the blaring of my phone ringing awakens me with a jolt, pulling me back from the brink of exhaustion back to reality. I answered the call, my mind pondering with questions as to who this enigmatic speaker was. On the other end of the line, there was an enigmatic individual who breathed heavily into the speaker – their voice lacking all emotions except void as they announced the one thing that would tip me on the verge of a cliff. 

‘I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Dr. Brown, but there has been an emergency. Both of your parents have been rushed to the hospital. They had both been diagnosed with tuberculosis; your father has just passed away whereas your mom is currently in a vegetated state. I express my deepest condolences.’

The deathly silence holds me like a chokehold. As the words pierce through the air, the world crumbles around me. A relentless storm of anguish and despair surged through my veins, head throbbing along to the crescendos of my heart beating in a preposterous manner; my chest constricted with an unbearable pain that transcends the bearable. My mind churned like a tempest, thoughts crashing and colliding against each other with such intensity – it felt as if a tornado of events was tearing down parts of my brain, leaving behind a chaotic landscape for me to recover. I was left suffocated in a shrouded corner of darkness.

1 week later.

The boulder of reality now rested heavily on my shoulders, weighing me down as it compressed every fiber of self-assurance and pride – I was left as a shell of my former self. Emotions that were once buoyant within me left a hollow ache in my soul. ‘This can’t be happening.’

A storm raged up inside of me, a fierce battle that pondered the fact that I have saved each and every patient of mine, but failed to save the ones that mattered most. The lost opportunities, the decisions that could have changed their fate, it was all at the weight of my own hands, each one was a painful reminder of what could have been, of what should have been. But there was one thing I could do – to create a machine that would bring any idealized memories to life.

Immersed in the cacophony of whirs and bobs of machinery, I dedicated 30 days and nights to craft a device – a contraption with cogs interlocked seamlessly, giving a gleaming reveal as wires snaked through the framework. At its core was a pulsating crystal filled with memories of me and my parents; it was a testament that would bring my parents back to life again. The allure was irresistible and offered me a chance to escape the pain. This decision, a temporary change for a day, would cause me to lose the reality of my true self. 

I pressed the button and went to bed, a smile etched across my face for the very first time.

Next day.

I awoke with a jolt as soft voices called out to me, my blurred eyes ceasing as familiar faces a mix of warmth and happiness gleamed at me. Arms were outstretched and reached for me as a surge of emotions washed over, engulfing me in a bittersweet and longing moment. The illusion of my parents felt so real, their presence a comforting embrace amidst the turmoil of my fractured reality – I knew this illusion would soon fade away.

‘I miss you both so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save your lives.’

They both stared at me with confused intensity as they laughed – ‘What do you mean? We’re alive and here for you. Come on, let's walk through the meadows.’

I masked my pain with a smile, mustering a laugh to deflect the sadness that gnawed on my insides – I had to make things right with my parents.

The sun casted its shining gleam on us as the three of us walked through the meadows that beamed with touch, the chortle of my parents engraved itself on my heart. Each moment burned into the depths of my brain as we shared stories, dreams and quiet moments of understanding, their presence was a comforting reminder that glued the broken shards within me. As the day unfolded in a tapestry of wonders, I found solace in the simplicity of being with the people who knew me best. We danced through the fields of wildflowers, lingered beneath the ancient oak trees as they shared their wisdom. I could stay in this moment forever, long lost in the contentment of my parents. But as I reached out to hug them, their beings contorted, blending into a discord as the warmth I once craved slowly turned cold. No, this wasn’t it. It just couldn’t be. 

Time was up, and the sun was beginning to set. The illusion of my parents began to fade away as their temporary presence soon left me alone in ambivalence and denial. The remaining moments slipped through my fingers like grains of sand as I faced the truth; there was no way out of this except to move on. Was I continuously creating a contraption that allowed me to cling to the fleeting comfort of illusions, satisfying my yearning for authenticity? Or was embracing the harsh reality giving me a chance to learn?

In the remaining moments, the weight of the decision pressed down on me like a heavy burden. This would be the last time I ever saw both of them. The temporary allure was certainly perfect, but it was time I faced the raw imperfections of the world.

Summoning the courage I never knew I had, I yelled in between chokes of tears ‘I love you both more than words can ever convey. Thank you for everything. Please remember me’ As they made an attempt to speak, the synthetic world wavered, dissolving into nothingness as I watched longingly. 

Now staring at where my parents had previously stood, uneasiness lingered like a shadow, but this time I felt a newfound sense of clarity and purpose. I embraced the messy and beautiful chaos of reality and was ready to confront the new challenges that lay ahead.

Ding.. Ding.. Ding.. My phone buzzed with an emergency call that indicated I had another surgery to uptake – it was a case of a middle aged woman suffering from tuberculosis in critical condition. With a resolve that burned brighter than ever before, I wiped away the remnants of tears and stepped forward, ready to face the next challenge head-on. 

As I hurried towards the operating room, the weight of my decisions and the lessons learnt from the mirage coalesced into a newfound strength within me. The patient lay before me, life hanging in the balance. With steady hands and a resolute mind, I delved into the intricate dance of saving a life once more; the familiar hum of the machinery, scent of antiseptic, the tension and nervousness fading into the resolute background. 

If I couldn’t save both my parents, then I would save this patient. It was what my parents would have wanted me to do.