Cynically Valued

Written by: Vanessa Lai

Edited by: Samantha Law

“Wanna be my friend?” said a girl, grinning from ear to ear. 

I looked up, “Friends…?” A bitter smile appeared on my face. “I can’t.” 

I could feel her inhaling softly as if she was about to say something, but I stopped her. I pointed to a direction that was anywhere but here and said, “just leave.”

Faded were the footsteps and sobs. I didn’t bother to look up. ‘Friends? I wouldn’t be good enough for such a bright star. Their brilliance blazes a burning trail in its wake. It’s about time I believed what everyone says before I hurt her too.’ 

Life went on like usual, time wouldn’t wait or quicken its pace for me. Every happy moment eventually vanished and every torturous one had a beginning. But still, no matter what I did, at the end, at the very end, no one wanted this empty vessel.Life was tiring. It was pathetic. Every day, I had to walk towards the school gates, restless and hollow. Constantly, I look to both my sides. Constantly, I’d feel jealous of other children walking with their friends, of children hugging their parents, of children smiling so happily that it’d look dazzling. So worthless yet so precious, a mess of reality. Like an orchestra without a conductor.

No matter what I did, even when I closed my eyes, nothing would change. Children would be laughing joyfully, vividly in my world of darkness. Jealousy controlled me as I watched, parents, friends, happiness, freedom. I always desired to cry, to shout, to hug someone, to be loved. For someone to understand the way I felt, the anguish I forced down. But I had no one. I never did. In my world of monochrome. In my world of beginnings and ends. 

There were only figures of black and white. Silhouettes that would always wait for me, but they all were just there as living proof that I was a caged bird, stripped of my privilege.  No one took just a slight amount of interest in how I felt. All that I was ever taught was how to construct walls and expect nothing. The days I longed for attention, I screamed, locked myself up, hurt myself, but they never came, did they? I used to think that if I didn’t spend and instead saved whatever they ever gave, they would show me an ounce of recognition. But I was a fool. An idiot to ever even imagine that. I’m not certain when I realised it, but I guess that gradually I became more aware of the outcomes as time passed by. I made a pact with myself that I would not concern myself with caring anymore, just as they didn’t. We would be equal. On the same level as each other, no hierarchy of abandonment.

One day, fateful or not, my eyes gazed on her visage again, the only angel that’d ever try lifting me out of the abyss that constricted me. Her hair has grown longer, hasn’t it? She looks fatigued, as if she’s bored of life. I wondered what happened, she was smiling so radiantly that day, a smile so lustrous that it could light up the whole world. Could I have rescued her? Though, what position am I in to do so? She was, like a doll, lifeless on a shelf, motionless. Glancing at her, she resembled hopelessness, as if her lustre had diminished. Her features dull, her eyes extinct of that usual shimmer.

For the next few days, I decided to distance myself, to avoid the trouble of being asked questions that I didn’t want to answer. However, I wanted to know what she was feeling, her unspoken thoughts. So, after some time, I gathered the courage, although I was the one who avoided her first, and finally said, “Hey, do you remember me?” I somehow wanted her to recall, but at the same time, I didn’t. My thoughts spiralled inside my head, confusing me. Nervousness overtook my mind, I kept thinking to myself to snap out of it as I anxiously waited for her response.

––––––––

Day by day, we gradually grew closer to each other, no longer was the distance between us.

“Hi Lyra,” I called out to her in a calm manner.

“Hi, Achlys!”, her tone cheerful as she saw me. She was smiling as a grin appeared on my face too.

“Achlys, hey! I’m here!” Lyra was waving her hands as she exclaimed, while I sprinted towards her.

‘Wow. I’ve never realised it, but when was the last time I saw such a bright smile? Right. It’s been a while. When have we gotten so close? What if it slips away? I’m terrified. I want to run away. I want to avoid this. But, no... I have to be brave. I have to face this head-on. Yeah. I will. It’ll get better eventually, right?’ 

With a brave front, I opened up to her. It registered in my mind that I had finally found someone whom I could relate to, someone who understood me. I soon shared more… my pains, my problems – my feelings. While she was as silent as ever, just listening – observing.

Then, one day… Where had she gone? Not a trace of her at school… In the early morning, for the first time, ‘they’ sent me a letter. I was so shocked that I fell to my knees – my eyes stared blankly at the parchment. Inscribed were two sentences, that was the only content within it…

“Is that what you had presumed? But we’ve already given you all that you need. - Mom.” That was all the letter consisted of. They barely felt remorse. Did they even remember my name – or had that also slipped from their minds? Why didn’t Dad say anything? They never comprehended my worth, why now? All these thoughts ran through my head, making me swallow up my expectations, jumbled in a mess of syllables. However, only one came to light – an objective. Lyra. She was the only one I’ve ever told any of this to… my angel. Exposing me as if my feelings were nothing. Why would she? How could she!? What could I do now… my mind blanked. I decided there and then that I would distance myself, that no matter what she said, I wouldn’t be swayed. She was just like the rest anyway, shaking me to the core, betraying me to end's wit.

But… she wasn’t.

Months flew past… But her voice always lingered in my mind, constantly, it wouldn’t leave. By then, I’m sure I’ve thought of all the things she would've said if we met again. I sat alone, avoiding her gaze, her… presence… her voice… herself.

Then… I saw her. Face behind her hands, sobbing, in front of that crooked shed. My eyes flickered in recognition, it was the place where we first met. All I knew was that she was hiding in her shadow, afraid to be seen. But perhaps she was angry, confused, melancholic? I wasn't sure. This was a side to her that nobody ever saw. Yet, no matter how hard she tried to hide, l found her. No matter how far, l saw her. It was as if we were inseparable. It couldn’t be, it shouldn’t be. It was wrong, she was an angel, I was a devil. Who was I to like her – to save her? I was the one who ignored her, the one who pushed her away even when she was trying to help. An angel like her deserved a prince, a palace, the stars, as she sparkled so – so… so brilliantly. I was not enough and I would never be. I was phoney – a liar. A demon. She was a princess, a saint, an angel. 

But I knew for sure, as my arms readied to embrace her, that she was all I needed. I was afraid to frighten her, for her to abandon or hurt me again. Still, tears, drop by drop, trail down my cheeks. I didn’t need ‘their’ love, only hers. Kneeling down beside her, I was finally able to be the one who welcomed her. I was her shadow. I would be there for her whenever she needed me, and would find her – wherever she was. That was my special talent, made for this angel of beauty.

She is going to be mine.