Bystander or Hero

Written by: Renee Wang

Edited by: Zelene Wong

Diary 4            Entry 26             Day 628

Things finally seemed to be going according to plan. We were all so worried at first -  the brain implantations we stored in the subjects had malfunctioned so many times and didn’t record the data we so desperately needed. Stephanie was so stressed these few weeks that she's been even more insufferable than usual, shouting louder commands and throwing more extravagant tantrums when even the smallest errors appear. You’re only the vice-captain of the smallest group, so don’t act all mighty! I would think to myself, during the times she targeted me for a miniscule  mistake. I don’t blame her though, I don’t think any of us do. We understand. Sometimes, when the future of the world is partially in your hands, you tend to get nervous. It’s understandable. 

The yearly full-house gathering was today, in which we were reminded of the central beliefs of the operation and the purpose of our experiments. To me, most of the gathering is just false words of encouragement to make us feel better about ourselves, so we stay obedient and do our jobs for yet another year. I used to drink it all in when I first started; working extra hours, filing the longest, most detailed reports ever and always following up on every single task they set me. That’s probably what got me into this comfortable position, because I never see the rest of the people I worked with at the start anymore. Wonder what happened to them. Where are they now?

Boss told us today that we were going to move to stage 4 of the experiment quicker than expected, which was surprising for all of us. Stage 4 is the cruelest stage implemented in their plan, and it wasn’t even fully thought out or approved yet. We were supposed to be analyzing their brain movement and identifying triggers and reactions to certain actions being implemented onto them, slowly increasing the level of violence to see if it was an important factor, and if yes, how important. Yet, now, we are not ‘slowly increasing’, we just jumped from the first to the last! In more detail, the plan book states that subjects are to be “set to the highest setting in areas of viciousness and power” and “completely lower the empathy and control setting”. In short, it means they will end up harming each other in inhumane ways (possibly to death) with no control over their own actions. I am not sure I fully understand the purpose of this stage. It is not as if we don’t harm them already right now, at this moment. Even if the higher ups insist that they were criminals and that they deserve it, I’m not sure I fully believe this. Like a deontologist might argue, some actions are just morally wrong to pursue. But who are we to argue? While we may have power over the subjects, we are also subjects ourselves. We don’t have much choice as to what we do. Sometimes, it feels as if I’ll go insane if I’m seen as invisible to the higher-ups any longer. It makes me mad, frustrated even. Yes, while the things they ask might be questionable, I’m still carrying them out and doing whatever I’m told. Why do I not get credit, or acknowledgement, for my hard work? On these rare occasions, I try to hide my feelings. I’ve tried to subtly reach out to others, to confide in them about the chaos inside my head, but their concerned glances and hushed whispers only fuel my paranoia. We aren’t, of course, allowed to defy the rules in any way, which includes showing disagreement or discontent with what we are given. The penalty of any rule breaking is never talked about, but we’ve all heard rumors. The more subjects the better, no? Considering all the possibilities, especially what we see subjects experience everyday in the experiments, our lives are luxurious anyway. 

Lying here in my pod now, with the absence of noise forcing my head to be filled with unwelcome thoughts. What exactly might the subjects feel? This is, of course, assuming they are still sane and still have humane feelings. No one here thinks of them as people, as one of us. They are more like marionettes, and we are the puppet masters. It’s weird how the roles could be reversed so easily. I’ve been here doing this for so long without any questioning, but I can't shake off this feeling that something is terribly wrong. It's as if the walls are closing in on me, suffocating my thoughts and distorting my perception of reality. What if the subjects were the ones controlling us? Making us do the horrendous things we are making them go through right now? Just the thought of that makes me shiver, as if invisible fingers are trailing down my spine. It seems so impossible, so crazy. These crazy voices in my head are intertwined into a symphony of madness. It's taunting me, mocking me, and I can't escape this relentless grip on my sanity.

Now that I’m thinking about it, what was the purpose anyway? I’m not so sure as to what they tell us anymore, about “collecting vital data” and “exterminating danger” and “keeping humankind safe”. If we’re trying to keep humans safe, why are we making them torture each other and die? 

I’m so confused. I just can’t seem to understand anymore. I’ve worked here for so long, following orders without a second thought, yet I can’t say what the purpose of all this is. And why, just why am I just thinking of this now? The world around me has taken on a sinister hue, shrouded in shadows that dance and twist. For 5 years, I’ve been working here, overseeing the experiments and now I realize, also becoming a monster who harms others. How much blood has been spilled on these very hands? What if, while I work tomorrow, I stare and stare and stare, hoping to see the coat of red that haunts me quietly? What if I can’t take it anymore? What if I can’t help it but to rush to the bathroom, snatch the bar of soap and start to scrub? I’ll scrub and scrub and scrub, until my fingers turn raw with pain and bits of skin start peeling off. Reflected in the mirror will be my shame, my confusion, my hatred. Oh, I’m a monster. What will I do?

But what can I do? I have no proper control. Besides, this has been going on for forever. What’s a little while longer? They are all already out of their minds anyway, way too far gone to be saved. I wouldn’t be helping much by interfering with the situation. Or would I? What if they are still conscious of their actions? I am a monster, but no one can see my claws. My status allows me to help them, to save them, yet I choose to be a coward. Indeed, there is my job and my life on the line for me, as I am most definitely losing my job if anyone finds out I am even thinking about this! Oh my, which is the right decision to make? Now, it is no longer just about my happiness, it is about everyone. All the people I could save, yet I am letting suffer. Oh, I am a monster. What shall I do, just what shall I do?

Diary 4            Entry 27             Day 629

I have made my decision. I must do whatever it takes.