Childhood Kindling

Written by Clara Chan

Candles mark birthdays, birthdays mark time, time marks change, and change marks... etcetera. Through every period of our lives, we grow to expect more from ourselves.

Life progresses as a chain of events, and we progress in search of happiness and comfort.

The circle of life starts in childbirth and ends in death. Like every other individual, we are immediately thrown in the course of childhood and blessed with the white luminescence of innocence.

Ironically, in this day and age, we long to relive our childhood, having spent it with minimal conscious thought. We stroll along the path of time and then come to the shocking realisation that our lives have been a cesspool of pointlessness.

Then the reminiscing begins.

Through hopelessness, we merge the idea of happiness with the lost gift of childhood innocence, confusing the glory days of feeding bits of bread to ducks with a checklist of things necessary to live the perfect life. Our childhood felt like easy happiness, and we now yearn for the same painless bliss.

Unfortunately enough, happiness is not free, and the problems we ran away from will only continue to change and evolve. Today’s perfection will become tomorrow’s fuel for disappointment, and tomorrow’s satisfaction will become next week’s wince-worthy eyesore.

So that brings on the question: What is childhood innocence and why do we pine for the same contentment?

To put it simply, childhood innocence refers to the unspoiled simplicity, ignorance, and purity of children. Because of this ignorance and lack of experience, we grow up unaware of the environment around us. Of course, as we develop the ability to think for ourselves, we also start to question our identities and place in society-- which ultimately results in a sense of nostalgia.

The study behind nostalgia is a vast and complex field. But to put it in a reductionist manner, it's primarily about connecting yourself to yourself. (I know how it sounds-- but bear with me.)

If you've ever been stuck between a rock and a hard place, you might've had trips down memory lane. That's probably your brain reaching for people or things which symbolise the past, like your childhood memories.

Childhood was a time when we had very few responsibilities-- we were masked in childhood innocence and did not care for the world. Childhood nostalgia often revolves around idolising this era, creating an unconscious attempt to recreate instances similar to those perfect memories. Like your grandmother’s tomato soup recipe, for example. Perhaps even the thought of it brings up sentiments of cosiness, hence you slowly grow attached to that dish.

And we yearn for these perfect memories. We long to feel the same perfect happiness.

But perfect is an idealisation. It's built upon layers of social construct, varying from subjectivity to modernised evolution. Because whatever conception of "perfect" you have is an imperfectly unattainable idea. It’s an assumption that if you get married, have children, and a four-bedroom house, everything will be alright and you’ll live the perfect life.

Our decisions are built upon what is better or worse than what it is now, and perfect is some arbitrary standard we've been living up to. So trust me when I say that letting go of this conception relieves the stress and frustration piling up internally over the years. The point of existence is to progress into a better person and acknowledge the fact that perfection doesn’t exist. Life will never go the path we pave, and accepting the miserable things in life allows us to be more content.

With that in mind, why do we reminisce?

We ache for our childhood, for our half-made memories and unconscious ignorance. We long for the simplicity of life, where everything seemed perfect and was a (mostly) euphoric waltz. We reminisce about the times when our innocence paved a straight path and ignited the things that made us truly happy.

Undeniably, life doesn’t gleefully welcome people into the town of merriment. Happiness comes with progress and acceptance. So while we’re ushered into the melancholy pits of life, we look for even a twinge of hope to heave us up. We’re unwilling to pay the costs of happiness and would rather plunge back into the bliss of childhood innocence.

We miss the ease and contentment. We reminisce about the feeling of blissful ignorance. And ultimately, we wish to experience it yet again.