To My Five-Year-Old Self

Dear Five-Year-Old Self, 

I hope you’re doing well, enjoying your childhood, dreaming of how wonderful it would be to grow up. Right now, life is a magical adventure, the world a boundless canvas for freedom and expression. What matters most to you are your friendships, as every day you go to school, promising your friends you will support each other throughout. In a few year’s time, you will transition eagerly to a prestigious secondary school where you will face new challenges and discover yourself. Through it all, your parents and friends will be alongside you, supporting every step of the way. 

I know you have incredible aspirations and limitless ambitions. As a child, spending your time in Disneyland during weekends was your favourite thing to do. You would take pictures with princesses, dreaming that one day you could become just like one. To you, being a princess wasn’t just about living a fairytale life, but rather about becoming someone who could inspire people, someone who radiates confidence, and most of all, someone who is loved by others. However, as you slowly transition into a teenager, you will soon realise that this foolish dream was impossible to achieve. 

As you venture into middle school, reality begins to set in: school isn’t always fun - it can be boring, lonesome, repetitive… But you can’t do anything about it. Right before your exams, you will experience a lot of stress, in some cases, even panic attacks. Even now, you are struggling with this feeling. Just know that your family is always there for you. If I could go back in time and change something, I would have spent more time with my family. 

I was always convinced that school was a place where people could make friends and have fun. Sadly, your shyness would cause you to be constantly picked on by bullies. It will be hard, but trust me, you’ll get through it. Luckily enough for you, the bully soon changed schools, so I wasn’t bothered by him anymore. But at the time, it caused you a lot of stress… I’m pretty sure the stress hasn’t kicked in for you yet, but I want to tell you that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Then came senior school, and I started to realise that there were kids who were smarter than me. I realised that brains weren’t everything and there were other important things in life as well: wealth and success.

Fixated on these new goals, I had forgotten to tend to other aspects of my life, blindsided by a desire for attaining success, I ignored what I had already achieved. It was the last year of primary school. Out of nowhere, our best friend told me that her family was moving. It was abrupt, they were leaving for the United Kingdom, for a chance at a better future. I could still call, still text, but I was devastated by her leaving. I cried nonstop for days and nights, realising that our loved ones couldn’t always be with us. The illusion I had synthesised of money and success being key dispersed.

I continued my school life without her. I still had other friends, but I just wasn't as close with them. After all, no one could fill the role she played in my life. Sometimes, you simply have to move on and hope for the best.

I know it may be hard for you to comprehend right now, but I would like to tell you that life is a rollercoaster, similar to the ones you ride in Disneyland. It is unpredictable but somewhat fascinating. You must find your self-worth and be special.

Since I was your age, I had hoped to become a successful and honest lawyer, helping the underprivileged receive justice. I had always been told by others that I am intelligent. I had an ambitious and determined dream of attending an Ivy League, perhaps even Oxbridge. During my last year of secondary school, I spent long hours studying for my final exam. I was extremely stressed, so I didn’t perform as well as I had hoped to. Those small, yet snowballing mistakes ruined my years and years of hard work. All of the prestigious universities that everyone swore I would get into rejected me. I was barely accepted into law school, and so I was teased relentlessly for my poor results.

I remember you used to dream about having a very stable job after university, becoming an entrepreneur and earning millions of dollars every day. These illusions can only happen in my dreams when I’m asleep.

Due to the mediocre school that I went to, there weren’t any reputable firms that wanted to hire me as a trainee for months, up until a few days ago, I finally attained a longly coveted part-time job at a renowned law firm. Despite the immense debt I find myself in, I have not given up yet. To make up for it, I am working a few part-time jobs, hoping to repay all my loans. My life may be terrible right now but I refuse to give up just yet.

Despite these hardships, you would be proud to hear that 20 years later, you’re still pursuing your dream of becoming a lawyer. It isn't exactly how you imagined, but our goals are still the same. Sometimes hard work doesn’t pay off and you simply have to deal with it. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could just go back in time and relive my carefree childhood.

I suppose this feels more like a diary. After all, you will never be able to read this letter. And yet, I still find myself wrestling with hope and surrender, wishing that somehow this letter can find you. I find fate and history as two similar concepts, in which both cannot be changed. However, after writing this letter and giving myself the opportunity to reflect on the events that have shaped me, what remains in me is a sense of comfort, strength and determination. Although life hasn’t turned out how you would expect, all I can do is reminisce and be proud of the person that I have become. Despite all the challenges and setbacks, you have remained true to yourself, never giving up whenever you encounter a challenge. And for that, I am incredibly grateful.

A final piece of advice to both you and me: believe in yourself and pursue your dreams. Treasure your childhood and live with no regrets!

Love, Yourself