Lighting Up

Written by: Vanessa Lai

Edited by: Hairong Liu

Ting, Ting, Ting.

“Alright, kids, class has ended.” said a female voice. 

The chairs screeched, scraping against the wooden floor. Slowly, one by one, they got up and left.

“Do you know him?”

“Not really. That kid’s just weird. He’s just always talking to himself.” 

Then, they slammed the door shut. I was just your normal kid. Maybe. I didn’t know what they meant when they called me weird. Sure, I wasn’t your stereotypical, perfect child, but I was also just a human being, being controlled by fate. I don’t see why it was my fault, it wasn’t like I asked to be birthed. It wasn’t like I wanted her, the only person who cared, to die while giving birth - to a monster. This was self-hatred. But as I grew, I started blaming myself, to fit into social norms. In this world, It was I who had stopped her from fulfilling all her hopes and dreams, ended her life before it even started. It was then that I saw the hope being sucked out of my father’s eyes. This life was going to be hard and unfortunately, she also left me with powers. Powers I couldn’t handle, powers that the world wouldn’t accept. That was both the blessing and curse that she gave me, I could see those others couldn’t, talk to those others shouldn’t, hear those others wouldn’t. 

I was special. Well, that was what I told myself, but reality quickly hit. To others, I was mental, delusional, I was someone who had “special” needs, like my father said, I was someone useless, a nuisance.

My father was quite the businessman, always knowing which stocks to buy, whether he would profit or lose. But to him, having a child was a gamble, and I was a bad bet. I didn’t have an eye for things, nor was I smart. The moment she left, he didn't see a future. I was a marionette, oppressed. I didn’t have the rights I deserved, I was a puppet who would dance along all his schemes. But… at least I didn’t blame myself, I blamed her. For leaving me, for giving birth to me, worst of all, for accepting me. I agreed with him. I wanted to leave this earth too. It was just that… I couldn’t die. 

Up till the age of 6, I always thought that the solution to life would be to end everything. No one wanted me here, and neither did I. I hated myself, I was sick of life, there was nothing to look forward to anyways. So I jumped, but failed time and time again. From bridges to buildings, I was followed with a resounding echo “I accept you.” I had heard it somewhere before. Right at her deathbed, “It’s not your fault. I… accept you.” 

Sooner or later, I gave in and tried to make sense of my powers. Something I’ve learned after ten years of being trapped in this living being was that I could see beings - the dead, ghosts. They weren’t imaginary friends, even if everyone called them that. They were always around. They weren’t like the humans in the “real” world. They never faded away, while humans always did, treating me like a plague. They always stayed with me. Forever. Though I never did end up finding my mother.

However, I did make a few friends, Mary, John and Anne. They were all I needed, they would never leave me. Growing up, they never did, but my feelings never faltered for even a second. 

Plus or minus another ten years, I was staring at graffiti on my college dorm room spelling: LOSER! 

“Why are people so mean to others?” Mary asked rhetorically. 

“Humans are just humans.” I sighed. 

Over the years, I thought I had gotten used to it. 

“They are just a few characters, just works of fiction for me.”, yet it still stung. 

The words echoed in my head as my finger ran across the scar on my cheek. I pinched my arm. 

“I’ve moved out. I’m safe now. I don’t have to worry anymore.” 

This would be a new start, a new me. 

And… maybe, just maybe, my prayers got through. College was like most of my life, I was being - a living being: inhaling air, forcing food down my throat and counting sheep till I slept. It was just that this time, it was more peaceful, silent. People didn’t bother me and in turn, I didn’t have to care. However, one of these days, something changed…

I was just resting in my usual seat, arguing with John about history. When the clacking of heels broke the veil of silence between our realms.

“I’m Alora. What’s your name?”

I looked up, a halo-haired girl staring back. 

“Blake.” 

I let her soak up the awkward silence as she tucked a lock of her gorgeous hair behind her ear. I was never a good conversation starter. The atmosphere was unbearably uncomfortable, so I picked up my bag, pushed my chair in and walked away. The giggles weren’t that far behind. 

Why does everyone have to be so fake…

“Well, wasn’t she nice?” Mary asked while tilting her head slightly.

“You know well that she’s faking it. She probably lost a bet and got dared to talk to the weird kid.” 

“Well, she could’ve meant it.” Anne queried.

“We all know what the world’s like, Anne. Blake can play nice any time he wants to, but we also know that the world won’t accept him as he is.” John stated.

“Well, I don’t like it,” Mary argued as she puffed out her cheeks.

“It’s better for him to at least have a personality than be a people-pleaser,” John suggested.

They just kept bickering on and on, so I tuned myself out. I agreed with both of them, but John had always seemed more convincing. I had experience, after all. From Father, I already knew that humans would do anything in just a blink of an eye for money, popularity, or anything of worth and she would be the same. 

However, I just couldn’t get her out of my mind. Maybe it was because she was tailing me daily. Or maybe it was because she didn’t look at me with a single ounce of disgust when I was talking to Anne, Mary, John, or even petting an invisible, dead cat. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because she kept muttering, “I accept you.” Her voice was always in motion, “Why would the world hate you so? What are you thinking about? How are you feeling?” She was just different, but nothing made her especially unique. She just had silver strands that shone like the moonlight and, stars in her eyes. Her eyes, it was as if the ocean touched land for the first time. They were just the perfect blend of ocean blue and emerald green, nothing special… But perhaps, just maybe, maybe, most of all, it was because she stood up for me. Even since that day, giggles had always followed. Day by day, they just grew louder, but she had the courage that I didn’t to stand up against them, for me, for me of all people and told them to stop. 

It’s already been a few months since we first met, but suddenly, one day, she wasn’t there. I had just woken up a bit earlier than usual. But even then, she was usually always there, grinning. But she wasn’t there… Not by the door, not in the hallway, nowhere to be seen. It would’ve been better if I didn’t miss her, but that was not the case. I opened a window to have a breath of fresh air. 

“She’s finally given up on me, hasn't she.” 

But then… 

Synchronised red and blue lights. Sirens. Smoke. Girls dormitory. 

A whisper came out of my mouth before I could stop it… 

“Alora…” 

“Mary!” I yelled. “Scan the grounds. Do you see her?”

“No… I can’t,” she said softly.

“Anne. Get me there. Now.” I said more sternly than I had meant, but this was important.

“But… Blake, we’re on the 35th floor!” Anne pleaded for me to stay.

But at that point, I had already lost all my senses and was out the door at the end of the hallway, not even caring that I was barefoot. She was in danger, and I could sense it. I broke the window and jumped. 

“Blake, you’re heavy.” muffled Anne.

I just answered with “there,” and pointed to a window.

Before the window was grey fog, almost pitch black. I was afraid. I could feel my heartbeat in my head, my arms, it was like I was alive for the first time. I trusted my gut and decided to clutch onto the wall. When I got to the window, it shattered almost immediately at my touch. It was dark and I could barely breathe, but I had a feeling, a strong one, that she was here. So, I waddled around and soon reached a door, completely closed off to the world, shut and locked. 

“She’s here,” I said in a hush.

I kicked down the door and ran in. 

“Alora? Alora?” 

I went on all fours and scrambled on the ground for something, anything that had a pulse. Then, I felt something wet, like a pool sweat. I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to me. 

“She's burning up. John, can you put your barrier around her? Let’s get her out of here.”

So I was her saviour, a hero, it should’ve been an amazing moment, perhaps even reaching the headlines, but she was bedridden. In the end, I couldn’t really quite save her, she was clinging onto the edge of the cliff. It was then that I decided to stay with her till she woke. Even though the voices still haunted me, some curious, some criticised, I didn’t care anymore. 

However, I did start questioning myself. Why do you like me, Alora? What did I ever do to deserve you? Or did you plan to leave me in the first place? To make me suffer? I knew that it wasn’t true. But I was scared. 

“Alora, I admit that I’m scared, okay? Please just come back to me. I know that I did nothing to deserve you, but please, come back.” “I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for judging you. Just please… Please come back. I’ll get you everything you please. So please come back to me” 

At this point, maybe I was mental, just like everyone had thought. 

One of these days, a jolted up, I had just dreamed she died, but just like usual, I was by her side. But, something felt off about today, so I sat up. It was night and there she was just staring out into the abyss, the moonlight shining on her face. My heart thumped… thumped…, my breath soon became heavy and shorter breaths came through. I told myself, “In and out, in and out.” and said:

“Alrora, have you ever regretted wasting so much time on me? Even though I would never look your way, even though I would never respond. Do you ever regret all the time you’ve spent with me?”

Slowly, she shook her head and embraced me, whispering

I accept you.

Then, a big bird, through the cover of the night shattered the window, swooped in, and swept her away. That night, I left the hospital for the second time in melancholy.

Alora - nickname ally - means “my dream”

Blake - means dark/black + white/pale