Pesky Philosophers
Written by: Renee Wang
Edited by: Zelene Wong
Everyone is familiar with the age-old tales of an angel and a devil perched on each shoulder, whispering in their ear, influencing their decision making, swaying their choices. Well, my situation isn’t quite like that. Instead of the traditional angel and devil duo, I find myself entangled in a battle between the utilitarianism and the deontologist. Let me tell you how it all started.
I remember the incident vividly: it was right after a grueling math test, one that was atrociously hard and drained me completely. I must admit, I hadn’t studied adequately, and in my moment of desperation, I resorted to glancing at the answers of the smartest student in the class, who just so happened to be seated perfectly next to me. Tilting my head ever so slightly, I had an almost-clear view of her paper. Writing furiously and making sure I was ever so subtle, I quickly copied her answers as they became my own. Heaving a huge sigh, I slouched back into my chair, and a single bead of sweat ran along the side of my cheek. I was okay.
But as I sat down alone to have my lunch, a condemning voice suddenly echoed behind me, causing my heart to leap in my chest. “Hmm, are you sure cheating on that test was the right decision?” Startled, I whipped my head around, only to find no one there.
Fear gripped me as I frantically scanned my surroundings, trying desperately to locate the source of the voice. Had I somehow incurred a curse for my dishonest actions? My bewildered expression must have appeared comical, because a voice erupted into laughter from directly below my ear. Squinting downward, I finally spotted the mischievous creature.. A semi-transparent being with a full head of white curly hair and a raspy German accent stood grinning from ear to ear on my shoulder, nearly making me topple out of my chair in surprise. What on earth?
Just when I thought things couldn’t become even more bizarre, another semi-transparent being materialized on my other shoulder, leaving me staring dumbfounded. Desperately, I pinched myself and fervently prayed to awaken from this terrifying dream. But of course, all that happened was a searing pain in my arm and two floating spirits smiling keeningly at my sides.
It’s been a few weeks since then, and through countless nights of exhaustive internet searches, I have uncovered the identities of the two enigmatic beings: none other than the renowned philosophers Immanuel Kant and Jeremy Bentham. These intellectual individuals were the architects of deontology and utilitarianism respectively, two contrasting ethical ideologies, and what constitutes a morally correct decision. This explained why their persistent presence and relentless debates constantly rang in my ears - they encourage me to do the complete opposite thing every single time.
To my surprise, I found them far more perplexing than the classic angel and devil themselves. Not only do they talk all day long, chiming in on every little decision I make, engaging in an incessant battle of literally anything, their ceaseless chatter and unsolicited commentary has left me overwhelmed and exhausted.It's been getting worse lately, with so many decisions to make, ranging from choosing subjects at school, family problems at home, and friendship conflicts. I just hope everyone doesn't think I'm going crazy, bickering with non-existent people all the time. Recently, both of my closest friends separately invited me to go shopping for prom dresses but each insisted that I refrain from inviting the other due to an ongoing argument. Already grappling with the weight of this decision, the added argument on both sides of my head threatened to shatter my composure completely.
“Clearly, you should choose to accompany one of them! That way, at least you and one other will feel delighted and only one person is left out. Majority wins!”
“In order to do that, you would most likely have to lie to your other friend to make them feel less discontent. Lying is sinful behavior and should not be carried under any circumstance. This option should not even be an option at all!”
“All that matters is that everyone feels happy! If you lie and no one feels hurt, then it is the right thing to do!”
“Of course not! That is completely immoral!”
I groaned, covering my ears, trying to block out their bickering.
However, on other occasions, like that one time I found myself staring blankly at my computer screen for hours, they miraculously stayed quiet. Agonizing over which subjects I should pick as IGCSEs were coming soon without my parents home to advise me, I wished desperately for some guidance from anyone. Yet, the two usually barbarically loud philosophers stayed so quiet and did not say a word, just standing silently when I actually needed advice! It’s ironic really. How convenient that they decided to take a break from their usual raucous banter when their guidance would have been truly appreciated!
I must admit though, that their continuous banter has inadvertently expanded my knowledge in the philosophical field. I breezed through the written paper of the contradictions between their perspectives. It was almost as if I had the philosophers themselves feeding answers to me during the exam! Over time, I’ve grown accustomed to having two pesky yet passionate friends giving me advice on everything, letting me in on different perspectives and allowing me to consider all consequences before carefully making my decisions. It turns out, it might not be as dreadful as I initially thought! Not only have I gained a ton of insight on many various topics, I am never alone in my thoughts and there will always be friends by my side. Walking through my life is unarguably more entertaining with them, and I greatly appreciate all the advice they have given me, no matter good or bad.